What do you do when you can’t make ends meet? I’ve tried to live simply, to make a good home for my kids. They have their own rooms. I’ve made a home, which is more than I ever thought I’d be able to do.

Things seemed impossible this time last year, I wanted to give up. Now I want to keep going… but I can’t. I’ve tried and now I’m at the point of filling out paperwork to figure out if restructuring my loan will do me any good, or if I need to walk away.

There’s so much that’s going to change if that’s how things need to go. I won’t have space for the kids, back to a single bedroom if not a studio. I’ll be further from work because I can’t really be closer with the amount I can afford.

Now I could move back to MA, further away from work but closer to kids. Ideally I’d be in the same town but I’d never be able to work out child care if they wanted to live with me. It’s too far to work from where they live but next town over would be a good compromise. It’s still a ton of driving. Back to 70 miles a day.

There are good things and bad things about my options. I miss my kids horribly during the week and here’s my chance to be back in the area and get out of this mess of a state… right before they implement tolls.

Move elsewhere nearby work. Drive a long distance to the kids once a week. Remain in CT for the time being, possibly move back to MA at a later date.

Move elsewhere nearby kids. Drive a long distance to work every day. Live in MA again, possibly even see kids during the week.

I definitely think the kids are more important. Being close to work was important to me at first, I needed some aspect of regularity, security, and control. I’ve got that in hand now but I fear that might cost me more in gas. I might save on auto insurance but that’s an unknown at this point.

So this is my current mode, hem and haw over things I don’t have answers for. I lack control over my own life right now and it’s scary. I can control some things however, and need to hold onto that.