…ad infinitum to go.

Today has been excruciatingly difficult. It’s been a busy week — celebrating the actual birthdays on Wed and Thu, making sure the parts for the swing set all arrived on time (picking up the big one from the shipping company directly), assembly of said swing set, a setback in group therapy, cleaning and generally getting ready for the kids’ party.

I’ve been a bundle of nerves today. I was able to get a brief reprieve with an online SMART meeting and playing catch with G using his new glove. I can’t believe it’s been this many years. That could be adding to the feelings. I’m also all out of the anxiety meds, waiting for the doctor to approve a refill. It is hard to say how much could be withdrawal and what is native brain at this point. It’s only been about 2 days without it but I just can’t sit still. There’s nothing to be worried about, no reason to be nervous — yet my stomach feels as though the world is crashing down.

As I type this A is snuggled up on my lap, an easy going playlist on Spotify playing. It’s a wonderful feeling, but it can’t break this feeling completely. It ends up turning into concern for their well-being and what dangers I need to keep them from, now, and as they grow. This is the feeling I tried to drown with alcohol.

Tuesday was a whopper — it was my 2nd, 3rd(?) week of one day a week, down from every day after work, for 3.5 hours. I was made to feel very uncomfortable by one person in the group, and felt I had to speak up and call him out on his behavior not being conducive to the “safe” feeling that group should have. Anyone should be able to express their feelings and he was interrupting and cracking jokes at their expense. I finally said something to the moderator once that particular person left. I started saying how I felt when the others were interrupted and he started turning it on me. I was already upset by the thing itself, brought up enough courage to address it, and now it felt as though it was being denied and I was singled out as being unreasonable. It escalated as he attempted to focus it on me and I ended up shouting, walking out calling him a Dr Phil motherfucker. It seems crazy looking back on it. I drove home very angry, probably more angry than anyone should drive while being.

I got a call from the other counsellor later and found out that particular individual had been drinking before the meeting. I was also not being singled out, but being focused on and he was attempting to help, being as upset as I was. It all makes sense in hindsight. I felt so betrayed at the time, memories of highschool being brought back in full force. Here was the teacher, and they were turning it back on me as my fault not trying harder to be like everyone else.

Incident aside, the focus was the kids’ birthdays. We had tacos for the girls, and then I had the idea to go to Chuck E Cheese when Gs original restaurant plan didn’t pan out (looked at the menu online, wasn’t anything that he wanted). It just struck me that there was this place that was a lot of fun. We found a coupon — paid far too much for a pizza and 4 drinks and 100 tokens for 3 kids. A was a gambler. She wanted to do the ticket games, pumping token after token. I’ve got to hand it to them, though. Everything was 1 token. That was great, as whatever looked like fun could be tried with no thought of weight against another. A good time was had by all.

Mom came that night, ended up having to wait and was rather upset when we finally got home. I hadn’t put much thought into her arrival time when I wanted to go and probably should have. I’m not sure if she would have liked to come with us having driven so far already but thought I had told her by text. The text went to the cell she still has that lacks texting, phone calls went to the iphone she’s still figuring out how to answer. It was a giant glub all-round.

I then worked at home on Friday — attempted to go to work but ended up getting molten peanut butter on my linen shirt and pants just before hitting the highway. I doubled back taking that as a sign. I wasn’t as productive as I would have liked and that adds to my trepidation. Oh yeah, somewhere in there found out my uncle had tumors in his brain they are attempting to shrink so he can get another couple weeks of cognition. My father has no money to get out to see him, I would like to see him and it would certainly be easier with my father so I did a post on G+ to see if anyone would be willing to help. It was worth a shot.

Saturday was the party, today was a mess. I was a mess today. I hoped this would help but have broken out in tears a couple times while writing this. I’m scrambled. I was even ok yesterday amidst all the family and being host and father, I think because I was busy maybe also because I still had a bit of the medication in my system. Family gatherings usually do me in mentally.

So my life at this point is good. I haven’t had a drink since 6/4 and I’m attempting to actually face my problems instead of drowning them. I am present and living my life, difficulties and all. I am treasuring each moment with my children, appreciating some of the things I had glazed over, being glazed, myself. This is all extremely difficult, but my family is why I do it.

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