>When we left the theater, Laura & I were recalling various memories of our own. High School, childhood, and then that lead into her showing me her HS photos, the little book she’d just found in her car.

She could see my face drop when she showed me a picture of her ex, and Holly’s current (changed as of typing this – April 30th) boyfriend. “I could beat that spud.” is all that crossed my min. She went into a story about how whacked Holly was, maybe to make me feel better. A story from when they were little. She meant for me to see the whack-ness but I saw an imaginative mind, an only child, frustrated and acting out. I’d seen it before in Matt Torti. He was whacked, still is, a crazy motherfucker, & one of the best and most fun friends I’ve had.

Holly is attractive, smart, and imaginative. She’s got an attitude, and a bitchiness about her – seen it before in Rachel Friedman-Siddiqi, and god do I miss that girl.

There’s just something about her (Holly) that intrigues me. I’d hate to break up a happy relationship (also found that not to be the case), I should go find my own woman, leave these chaps be. I know nothing of his relationship with her… maybe they’re happy, but somehow I don’t think so (and I was right).

I love when I visit her @ work and I can see her eyes light up, but it’s not the answer right now. It’s not a girlfriend I’m looking for — it’s myself, and the ability to hold on to that self when I’m in a relationship.

~

I had a dream I was in a small shop, one new register, one old fashioned.

A man ran in & grabbed the old one. He was turning to run away when I knocked him down. I couldn’t punch hard enough, couldn’t pull out of slow motion. After beating (lightest sense of the world) him for a while, I felt everyone looking on and felt ashamed for not doing better. I looked at the size of the man, pulled from the shame and frustration and started flinging him about like a rag doll. I beat him good, then. I even brought my friend Jay to see the place, afterwards — pantomiming the act to show how heroic I’d been.

I felt proud.