>I heard some news last night, and I took it personally.

I probably shouldn’t have as they gave valid reasons, but I can’t help thinking it’s got something to do with my own actions.

Apparently Phil was approached by the landlord about moving over to that side with a rent-a-room rate (utils included, etc). He would get her bedroom (the same as mine on the other side) and she would move to another room. Shortly after Ken told me this he then said he would be looking for a place sometime in the summer. He cited the heating costs, the size of the place (as in surface area requiring cleaning), and the electricity.

Granted, we have issues with the electricity. Most of the rooms are on the same circuit — but when you have a refrigerator running off of the same circuit as a large amped fan, TVs, computers, and it cuts out when plugging in a vacuum… consider yourself lucky. As far as the size… where is he going to get a place to wrestle when he’s drunk, blast his music, and have a driveway to park in? I’ve been out there, I’ve seen the places… and they don’t exist. From his point of view, his parents are paying for it while he’s in school, so he figures it’s no big deal.

He’s also talking to Bill, I could hear them talking while I was trying to get to sleep… getting just as excited as he was when he first brought up us finding a place to live.

That’s the part that makes me sad. We discussed staying in this place for a long time. The heat sucks, but it’s manageable in the winter, especially with 4 people. You have to do things like close the window… not have a fan sucking all the hot air right out the top of the house if you want to save money. I just don’t understand it. We get along well enough, he’ll do his 20% of let’s say… cleaning, after everyone else has done 50%, always lagging behind, and claiming he’s doing more then his share.

I can’t win with the guy… but we get along fine for where we live. He does get spurts of energy every great once in a while and he’ll clean here and there.

It’s like I’m a placeholder for everyone. I’m fine as long as there’s nothing better, as soon as the better opportunity comes along… screw me. I am taking it personally, I take it as an issue against my personality. I feel I’m a very fair person. I am a very chill person (most of the time… I still have my occasional huffies) and it’s hard to find those that you trust enough to live with.

So here I am feeling all secure and people want to take the blanket out from under me again. Am I the only one who wants to live in a place as long as I can? A new place is all well and good, but after 3 or 4 moves now… I don’t want to do it again until I’m in a house of my own, preferably with a woman I feel at ease with.

I’m always searching for those that I can put my trust in, that won’t let me down as I’ve been before. I try so hard to be a good friend in return, to do as I would have done to me… and it really doesn’t seem to get me all that far. Granted… a bit melodramatic, but I can see they’re just searching for the best they can get. They don’t realize how well they’ve got it, I’ve been quite a few places… and this is by-far the best place I’ve ever had. It’s perfect, and my dreams of having a bunch of friends hanging out and living together… just didn’t become realized. Would it be different if I was home all the time? I don’t think so, I used to be… and people slowly migrated to their own places instead of hanging out in the living room like extroverted people normally would. I live in a house of introverts, with myself being the most extroverted of the introverts.

I can always hold him to the lease if I want to get official about it, and well I should — I made a legal agreement to occupy this place, with Ken for at least a year. Officially. Unofficially were the promises of “many years”. An though the heat and other bills are issues, I’m sure — I still wonder if there’s things they haven’t said… that they might never say, and I will have to just wonder if there actually was anything. I want to just ask, but that’s putting myself in a position to be potentially criticized. I can take it — but I don’t think I can change it.

I figured out that to balance out the heat and electricity I’d have to charge about $75-100 a week for a room. Where I don’t necessarily want people in and out, charging by the week helps keep the rent on a steady payment plan. If someone wants to pay me all 4 weeks at once — that’s fine with me. I originally set out to do that, but everyone wanted an equal shake, everything split 4 ways… and they had no idea as to how difficult that would be.

I’ll mention the possibility to a few people, but the reality of the situation is that if Phil moves over there he will certainly have conflict with the landlord, he doesn’t respect her or the fact that she’s deaf and needs common courtesy such as speaking to her while looking at her. He’s unemployed, one thing I’m glad will be off of my shoulders — always worrying if he’ll make the rent payment, if his unemployment check came and if he hasn’t already spent it all. The other part — with Ken moving out (and I’m sure he’ll have Bill in tow) is that he won’t be able to find the place that he is looking for – it doesn’t exist for under $1500 a month. That’s not something that a pizza delivery guy can afford. He might look around, he might try really hard… and he’ll most likely end up staying after putting me through an emotional roller-coaster of if and when he’s actually moving out.

I probably won’t go back to school in the fall. I’ll try and squeeze in a course or two over the summer, maybe an online class. With working, though — I just can’t do it all at once. I remember when I used to have the time to sit at my computer, learn some new HTML, web design, graphic, or video/DVD projects. That’s more of my idea of fun, programming is something I can do, and will pay the bills while I do what makes me happy in my off-time.

So here I am, another birthday, another year older — and contemplating where my life is going and how to appropriate what’s given to me to work with.