It’s not quite 8pm. I worked from home today because the kids were here for most of my workday. We had gone up to VT this weekend for my Mom’s birthday party. It was a mixed bag but I was a mess. My Mom apparently didn’t give anyone a heads-up so it was reintroducing myself a few times and having her do it fairly graciously (for her) a few. It was tough regardless and saw what I thought I expected a few times where it was not. One of my aunts who I completely expected to snub me did, but because she didn’t really know where she was or who everyone was because she’s mostly gone to dementia. So overall it was ok. The name was almost always right, but it was the pronouns. Oh the dreaded pronouns!

I keep thinking it’s my voice for most people, but family is a whole other ball o wax. I really wish i could just disconnect myself from all of them. The kids are wonderful though (my sister’s kids) and I’m actually getting along with my sister now. We had a spat where she wasn’t talking to me and I wasn’t in any hurry to talk to her so it went on… then my other sister died and we kind of just put it to bed. My family never talks about things. We just act polite and then my mom talks behind everyone’s back.

So it was stressful, and took 2 big naps on Saturday and Sunday. I lost my temper quite a few times on Sunday and even today. I yelled at A because she threw a tantrum and started whining that she said 2 waffles when I gave her 1. I specifically remembered her saying 1 right next to me as I tried to pry some answers from them while they were watching TV. In-between trying to be active on work via VPN. I always regret yelling, and it seems so foolish. The oven was still on, why not just acknowledge the misunderstanding and put another in? I did once she stormed upstairs. I was angry with a (butter) knife in my hand. I lunged at a box on the counter in my rage and that damn near scared me. I don’t want to scare them. I hated when my parents got angry and I need to show them that yelling and screaming and acting out solves nothing, everyone loses.

So once I finished work I watched a few shows and I was going to come upstairs and play some games in the office when I realized I was feeling super anxious and sick to my stomach. It’s the medication, since upping the dose again I realize I don’t feel hungry – it just feels like anxiety in my stomach instead. I need to be able to identify when I should be eating food in order to keep it in check.

A friend posted today that writing is the only time she feels sane, but it’s often so difficult to do. I agree wholeheartedly as typing down my thoughts does wonder to unwind the psyche but I never seem to take the time to do it.

I’m worrying about money again. I tried to downgrade my cable stuff but apparently removing the extra TV channels, phone, and netflix would cost me $10 extra a month if I kept DVR and even then without it I’d be down to breaking even with my current price, though I’m sure I’d save some on the “back-end” in fees and taxes. Netflix saved us on the drive, it was one of the first times I just went full tilt movies both ways. I used the data plan on the ipad because of course I didn’t think ahead and downloaded 4 movies at about 380mb a piece. It’s supposed to be unlimited and unthrottled even after 2g but it certainly acted like it used to when t-mo started throttling the connection.