Trying to think about why I am sad. I feel like there are layers of sadness right now.
I just spent the weekend with my kids. I was later than I wanted getting up. I was supposed to do more than I did before picking them up. I felt like I needed more time with myself. I also felt bad that I didn’t just go ahead and take them Friday night too. They had it off so they could have come early.
The plan was to have my friend come over and hang out. No real purpose, just general hanging. I had forgotten about a happy hour with a girl from Tinder I’d been out with one other time. I hit my friend back with a message while I was there, she didn’t want to “intrude” but I was really leaving soon, knowing that the girl I was with needed to get back home and it was a ways away. She brought a friend and it was cool to be part of a group. I was a little lost for words a couple times, wasn’t really feeling like eating the super rich food there, and definitely not being able to pay for it. I had 2 happy hour drinks and called it at that for the night.
I was called by someone else in the middle who had already sent me money for an N64 I had listed for sale. They were a past co-worker, so left to be able to meet up with them.
So I said goodbye to the happy hour, walked back, sent my first friend a message that I was home so she could plan accordingly. I didn’t hear back from her for the rest of the night. I did the handoff with the N64, and spent my remaining waking hours watching Orange is the New Black for the rest of the night. I’m nearing the end of the series.
That doesn’t really explain my sadness.
It is part loneliness, part disappointment in my self
The things I beat myself up over are mostly recent, but past disappointments compound the feelings when I think about it too much. Part of it is worry, the upcoming operation, being out of work and alone while healing, my financial situation. I come back to the loneliness. That causes the ache in my stomach. The knot that resonates up to my shoulders and spreads to each of my eyes causing them to well up yet again. I’ve come a long way in a year. I’ve gotten so much done with my life, and yet nothing all at once. I’ve done nothing with my job, gained no ground and even been a disappointment there as well. I want to do my best and I worry I’m no good anymore. I worry maybe it’s the medication messing up my brain, but it’s the timeout I’ve been taking the past 6 months or so. I’ve tried to get as far from this feeling as I can and it remains, waiting, when I don’t have something occupying me it surfaces. All the time. It’s constant, I can’t even really work through it. It’s just a general sad situation I can not change. I have friends, old friends I don’t speak to enough. I have family, and often speaking with them doesn’t make me feel great so I tend to avoid them too, which also makes me sad. I have new friends I’m trying to make all the time. I’m looking for people to be close, in person. People whom it wouldn’t be out of the question to hang out and do nothing because it’s no extra effort to be with them than without them. Whatever is missing, it’s never enough. I feel like I’m letting someone down. I feel like I’m letting everyone down. I feel like I’m letting myself down. I can’t just be, and do nothing to change, nothing to improve. I can’t study, I can’t gain skills, am I too far gone?
I’m older, why can’t I get wiser? I feel like a kid. A kid who has no idea how to do things and can’t remember how to do what I am supposed to do.
I just yelled at my cat. She tried to get up on my lap and of course scratched my leg and pulled a thread of my jeans. I can’t wear a goddamn thing without her fucking it up with one claw, like she fucking does it on purpose. I have to change instantly when I get home or else the little fuck will pull a thread right in the middle. Little shit, and that made me angry enough to start punching my thigh where she pulled the thread and yell at her. She just wanted to say hi, she can’t possibly be plotting to destroy my clothing, but this is where my mind goes. I don’t know what to think sometimes, what to trust. Why does my brain do this to myself? Why do I do this to myself? It used to be that putting my feelings out would help, would alleviate something in me by taking them from inside and putting them outside and now I just feel like this is some crazy ass rambling by a clearly unstable person.
I don’t’ think I’ll ever figure it out, it’s never going to get easier, so what do I do? Why do it? I’m just feeling so lost, so lonely, and so unsure and afraid of the unknown.