Thoughts While AFK

If I want to listen to Paranoid Android, why Spotify, would I want to listen to Interpol. You should know my age by now.  No, bad Spotify!

Also music related, has Pitbull purchased stock in makers of Fireball whiskey? It’s become a thing and then I hear his song which makes me wonder which came first. The song even breaks down”we are bringing it back”  …or maybe he invested in Prilosec.

One of the side effects of not only the night of ill repute (6/4-6/5) but the afternoon of attempted mitigation (6/7) was poison ivy/something. I know what to look for with ivy, but not so much either of the other two.  I tend to break out bad, and the relatively small exposure I had initially, I made it much worse trying to find my list items by retracing my steps.

  

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6/12

Now at the doctor express because my doctor only had 1 I office today and the walk in clinic at cvs was also not available because”she’s” (the practitioner) “sick” and I could see her through the open in afor sitting  chair with another woman in a white coat.

Getting all ailments checked while I’m here, not as expensive as emergency room but it will be more than a copay, by a titsch.

6/14

I have not had too much of a desire to be on social media.  It pulled me away from living just as much as drinking.  Most of what I shared was reposted. The few original articles I did come across I chalked them up to political commentary so they could go on the official page.

6/15

Our anniversary is at the end of the month. I have no idea what we should do. What will happen with our plan to go back to the wine trail each year? I have said goodbye, and I’m trying to understand what I was running from, live in the moment, experience it. I felt it several times this weekend, it felt good. 

6/17

I worry my friend is off changing without me.  I can’t say he’d want to play games. He’s been playing board games, they are cool and all but I’m not usually that good, at least with video games if I suck I can hand it to him and watch him kick ass.

6/19

That steroid shot was pretty mega.  It was a surge, disorienting, like fuel burning in my blood stream.  Gearing up for something great.  Actually just a skin rash but it seemed to tackle it pretty good with the high dose. Small dose it just got itchy and patchy again. Wah wah wah.

Still hanging on, only one really bad spot near my ankle but my whole leg is on fire from knee down, and swollen from the itching. Wearing light long pants to avoid scratching.

6/26 Coming Clean

First night of intensive group.  That means you listen to buzzwords, are asked for your thoughts on things, and people are being enthusiastic about recovery, with many missteps along the way.  I wasn’t planning on saying anything, let alone getting into detail as to why I was there.  It has been a long time, maybe 20 years that I have looked for distraction.  Often seeking something that would downright numb or lift me.  I was always looking for something to quiet the din, feeling uncomfortable in my own head.  I kept it in check, what I thought was reasonable control but count up the times I was dead drunk, or blacked out, or something bad happened when I was drinking and it is a pattern.  I can see this better than 5 hours ago, which I not only doubted would happen but was adamant I could maintain my cynicism through at least the first meeting.  I’m not going to say it was miraculous or that it was an awakening but I found the common ground.

Everyone lied.  They were ashamed, or selfish, or already under the influence.  They let people down, they destroyed trust, we lied to maintain.  I have always told myself cI ould keep it straight, I could have parallel realities it of  would keep me at number one.  I was always the most important thing in my life. 

The pressure I feel from my children, to not let them down, to do right for them is what currently drives me. It’s not supposed to, I’m told it’s supposed to be for me.  I still don’t feel I’m worth it which is nonsense I know but my worth and my self worth have been off for a long long time.  This is where someone might blame ” The disease” which I’m still not buying into. I also can’t get over the “higher power” deal, need to find some atheists.

6/28

First AA meeting.  It’s everything I thought it would be. A horrible place for a hardcore emotive personality. I feel everything they express, and their stories and habits were far worse than mine.  I stayed for most of it.  Bonus: Not In A Church. A bunch of people showed.

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