Originally drafted 2004 07 03 – again, we seem to have several entries that all tie into the same incident

>I made a big kahooie.

There was this thing with a big mess and my drunken-self, and things I ruined because of it… very expensive things.

Whats a guy to do, I need to make good on it – live up to it. I’m trying my best to make it better but after apolgizing and sending a letter of recognition of my stupidness I still get this mad vibe. I can live with that, but when it starts getting confusing I really don’t know the hell to do.

I think a stuffed animal was thrown in frustration at my door? Not sure, I heard a loud noise when I was upstairs, then when I went downstairs found this little guy in my room having knocked down a table I had near the door to the porch.

Ok, I accidently break stuff, you break stuff on purpose?

I didn’t mean it, hell — I’m not sure I actually did anything.

I was drunk, don’t remember, woke up sleeping -in- the mess. Well how’d that happen? I must have been sleep-painting myself with cleanser. It happens all the time, why didn’t I think of it as a possibility sooner? It just doesn’t make any sense. I don’t do shit like that. When I’m drunk there’s two modes – alseep and obnoxious, not alseep, obnoxious, and feeling like making arts and crafts with the closest object(s).

It’s just amazing how it goes monetary – brush gets more expensive, expensive mary kay, expensive jeans, expensive cushion. Everything is expensive that I ruined. Well, everything expensive was also on the floor in a gigantic pile… that I shouldn’t have been stepping on in the first place.

Damn, it all boils down to my fault, so even if I didn’t do anything — everything points to me. I feel like Will Smith in some movie where all the evidence points to me and even I’m not sure I didn’t do it.

It smells like a set up, I can’t say anything because it’s an ultra-sensitive topic.

I’ll own up to it, I am owning up to it — but I’ll never fully believe that I did it.

keep in mind this was my own private entry, no publish, no share. I was simply trying to make it all better the best way I knew how, reacting to the physical evidence when it was the emotional toll that needed to be settled.

July 7th 2012

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